How to Masturbate: Everything You Need to Know About Self Pleasure
- Posted on
Sex educators share their best tips for figuring out how to pleasure yourself.
Some people are absolute naturals when it comes to the art of self-pleasure. For others, learning how to masturbate can take time and practice. Couple that with a massively inadequate and constantly attacked sex education system that rarely includes queer people and you get a whole lot of folks who don’t have access to resources on masturbation.
For those who might be unfamiliar with the term, masturbation refers to acts where you pleasure yourself, usually by touching your genitals; that can include other erogenous zones, too, like your anus and nipples. It can involve your hands, lube, sex toys, and sometimes another partner to jerk off alongside you. Like sexual fantasies themselves, masturbation can look different for everyone.
While studies show most adults masturbate, it’s rarely an open conversation in the classroom, particularly for queer folks and women, whose sexual pleasures have historically been marginalized. But masturbation can be an important part of sexual self-exploration, especially for young people who use it as a tool to live out their queer sexual fantasies for the first time. That’s why queer-specific sex education around masturbation and self-pleasure is crucial.
If you’re at a loss for where to start or you’re wondering how to kick things up a notch, you aren’t alone. Many of us are working through internalized shame, anxiety, and a general lack of knowledge about our own bodies. And that’s totally ok — we all have to start somewhere.
“It’s completely valid to not know where to start when it comes to masturbating,” Arianna de la Mancha. “Be okay with not knowing. Rather than feeling intimidated, look at it as an exciting opportunity to explore something you haven’t tried before.”
Luckily, learning how to pleasure yourself doesn’t have to be a scary topic. We’ve put together a guide on everything you need to know about masturbation, according to queer sexperts de la Mancha, Dr. Lexx Brown-James, and Caro Hernandez.
Read on to answer the most commonly asked questions on masturbation: What is masturbation? What are the benefits of masturbating? How do I masturbate? What are some tips for masturbating?
What is masturbation?
The short answer to this question is that masturbation refers to self-pleasure. But what does that actually mean?
At its most basic, self-pleasure usually includes stimulating your genitals and other erogenous zones. This can involve your hands, sex toys, and sometimes grinding on different surfaces like hard pillows (and stuffed animals, in the case of Amy Antsler in Booksmart).
Some people fantasize about sexual scenarios while they touch themselves while others just focus on the sensations. The beauty of pleasure is that it’s subjective, meaning self-exploration is a critical part of the process.
“Masturbation can be something that feels big and like everyone knows exactly what to do. That's TV magic and false,” Brown-James tells us. “The great thing about self-pleasure is that there is no wrong way to do it.”
What are the benefits of masturbating?
Research shows that masturbation has a slew of benefits for those who do it regularly. According to Planned Parenthood, masturbating regularly can reduce stress, improve sleep, relieve menstrual cramps, and strengthen your pelvic floor.
In addition to its health benefits, regular masturbation can also build your confidence inside and outside of the bedroom. Knowing what you like and what feels good can help you feel more comfortable during partnered sex, as it makes it easier to communicate your needs to another person.
“Masturbation helps to give information that may be shared with a future lover to aid in building pleasure between the two of you,” Brown-James says. “Instead of a person having to figure out what turns a person on or what gets them off, masturbation gives confidence that you can direct a person to give pleasure.”
Partnered sex aside, masturbating can just be a fun and relaxing way to practice self-care. Taking the time to invest in your self-pleasure can be empowering and feel good all at the same time.
How do I masturbate?
How you actually masturbate will depend on a few things, including anatomy, personal preference, and access to/interest in toys. While there are a slew of ways to pleasure yourself depending on these three factors, there are some basic tips that can be a helpful starting point, like how to finger yourself and how to jerk off.
Fingering is often one of the first ways many people learn to explore their bodies and find sexual pleasure. At its most basic, it involves using your fingers to stimulate your genitals. While fingering can include penetration, it’s often focused externally.
If you want to learn more comprehensively about how to finger yourself, check out our previous guide.
Jerking off, also known as jacking off, is another technique that can be helpful in your arsenal of self-pleasure. Usually, this refers to stroking a penis, but it can also work with other body parts and sex toys. The fun part about language is you can apply whatever feels affirming to you; jerking off doesn't have to refer to acts involving a penis.
What are some tips for masturbating?
Now that you know what it is, how it’s beneficial, and how to actually do the deed, you’re probably ready to jump into bed to test out your newfound knowledge. Before you do, let’s review some helpful tips.
It might be tempting to dive straight into a solo session, but sometimes patience and slowing down can pay off in the end. “Sometimes, we rush to our maximum pleasure, and instead of rushing to get off, slow down and tease a bit, build up to a greater arousal and potential orgasm,” Brown-James says.
Masturbation doesn’t have to start and end with you on your back. Experimenting with different positions can actually help you figure out what works for you during partnered sex, or just what feels best to you in general.
“Have a typical position that’s your go-to? Switch it up!” Hernandez tells Them. “See if another position feels different or even better than what you usually do. Masturbation is just one of those things where you won’t know what you like or don’t like until you try it.”
“Reading, watching, or listening to erotica before and during masturbation can be a fun way to get in a sexual headspace,” Hernandez says. Masturbation can take inspiration for a lot of folks, so make the time to explore and dive into erotica that works for you.
Masturbation is often a solo event, but that doesn’t mean you can enjoy it with a partner or two every now and again — or often if it suits your fancy. “Partnered masturbation is also a fun option to connect with your partner(s) and learn what each other likes,” de la Mancha says.
One of the most important things to keep in mind on your self-pleasure journey is that your comfort is key. If you try it and find masturbating doesn’t appeal to you, that’s totally ok! Because it’s so personal, your standards are the only ones that matter. There isn’t a single “right” way to engage in self-pleasure.
“Some people aren’t interested in masturbation and find other ways of experiencing pleasure in their lives that may not even be sexual in nature,” Hernandez says. “Others may find that to masturbate, they need to be in the right headspace. My message to you is to find your ‘normal’ and stand firm in that.”
Written by: Quispe López on Them