"I want more sex than my partner does. How do I get my needs met without pushing her boundaries?"
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As Somatic Sex Educator, Kai Cheng Thom notes in this article, meeting differing sexual needs and desires might be hard, but there are practically infinite ways of giving and receiving pleasure. Kai strongly suggests looking into somatic sex educator Caffyn Jesse’s book, Science for Sexual Happiness, which contains over 100 science-based practices for deepening sexual self-awareness and erotic joy. You can find "Science for Sexual Happiness" at the Art of Loving.
When we aren’t getting what we need sexually, it’s easy to feel that we are bad and unworthy. When we aren’t able to give a partner what they need sexually, it’s easy to feel that we have failed at giving love. These narratives are often particularly charged for queer and trans folks, who are already told all the time by the dominant culture that our desires and our bodies are bad, shameful and undeserving.
Before we can begin to work effectively to address unmet sexual needs in a partnership, it is often important to do some private, personal work as well to investigate and tend to our own desires and sense of self so that we can enter tough conversations with clarity and self-compassion. As a somatic sex educator, I suggest that you begin this process by giving yourself permission to exist as a being with an erotic self and erotic needs.
Doing this kind of work is part of the process of coming into a deeper relationship with the erotic self; the part of all sexual beings that yearns to know and be known in desire and pleasure. In getting to know our erotic wants and needs through the lens of welcome, permission and compassion, we can de-shame sexuality and create strength and confidence around the erotic self. Armed with this confidence, we can, in the face of rejection from others, remain safe in the knowledge that rejection does not mean we are bad, shameful or unworthy of sexual attention, love or pleasure.
I am inviting you to embody the knowledge that your partner’s preferences, dysphoria and sex drive (or lack thereof) are not a reflection on you or your body. I am inviting you to let yourself know that there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want—just as there is nothing wrong with your partner having boundaries and preferences of her own.
It’s important to remember (as if you could forget!) that conversations about sex and sexual satisfaction can be triggering for all involved, even when everyone is being extra careful to respect each other. This isn’t because talking about sexual needs is bad—it’s because many of us have complex emotions about our bodies and, even at the best of times, our ability to give and receive sexual pleasure often feels very connected to our ability to give and receive love.
To read more of this article by Kai Cheng Thom, visit here